28 Hot Little Sex Life Ideas

Welcome to the best possible kind of month-at-a-glance. Try all of these hot ideas for a married-sex makeover, or grab just one of the moves for a wow-that-was-amazing night.

 We've designed a calendar that will rock your world — without shaking up your everyday routine. It's packed with easy, no-time-at-all ways to increase intimacy with your partner, boost your confidence, and help you rediscover a more fulfilling (and fun!) sexual connection. We've broken them down into feel-good activities that you can do all on your own, romantic ideas that will bring you emotionally closer to your guy, and some adventurous moves the two of you can try between the sheets (check the key below). Find the ideas that speak to you and then let the sexual sparks fly!

Day 1

 












Flex your flirt muscle. Sharing a flirty smile with the hottie at the coffee shop can give you a confidence boost. "When you're in a trusting relationship, you can flirt in a harmless way," says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of Sex Recharge. "I call it 'transferable sexual esteem,' when you get a charge and bring those feelings home to your guy." Just keep the exchange brief and PG.


Day 2 

Sleep in the buff. Cast aside your pj's tonight and let nothing come between you and your sheets. Laying your skin against the linens is a sensory experience that will make you feel more connected to your body.

Day 3

12 Easy Moves to Make Your Sex Life Hotter

You, too, can become a sex goddess. I'm perfectly serious: By investing a little time, less effort and no money, you can become a powerful erotic force, a woman capable of reducing your partner to a state of gasping, spent gratitude. All you have to do is become sexually fit -- and I swear you won't have to set foot in a gym.

Just as incorporating a little walking or stair climbing into your daily routine can make a big difference to your overall fitness, so can practicing a few simple exercises -- sexercises -- elevate your level of sexual fitness to the point where your orgasms are more frequent, more intense and longer-lasting. Believe it or not, you'll also develop amazing control over his pleasure: You can become the lover of his secret fantasies without feeling the least bit like a surrendered wife.

Here, a quick four-step course in sexual fitness. Your time investment: mere minutes a day. Add the "Extra Credit" exercises if you're aiming for higher skill levels.

Step One: Kegels, the Foundation of Sensational Sex

Do not mutter, "I've read this before" as you skip lightly over the exercises below while promising yourself, "Someday." Kegels are compulsory, not optional. They help you reach orgasm more easily and feel it more intensely while giving you more erotic control over your man. And they require surprisingly little effort.

Kegels tone and strengthen the pubococcygeus muscles -- the three sets of muscles running from the back to the front of your pubic bone and encircling the openings of the vagina and rectum. They're named after Arnold Kegel, the Los Angeles doctor who promoted their development in the 1940s as a cure for urinary incontinence and post-childbirth "flaccid vagina" syndrome. Few people realize he adapted them from sexual exercises practiced in India for thousands of years.

A woman with strong PCs can grasp her partner's penis and play with it by contracting and releasing her muscles, taking lovemaking beyond everyday sex and into the territory of the Kama Sutra. Without Kegels the PCs are flabby. Period.

You can practice Kegels while driving, standing in line or lying on the sofa watching television. Varying your position from sitting, to standing, to lying down over the course of a week optimizes the exercises.

The Kegel Routine
1. Locate your PC muscles by stopping and starting the flow of urine.
2. Perform the short Kegel squeeze. Contract the PCs 20 times at approximately one squeeze per second, exhaling gently as you tighten. Don't bear down when you release; simply let go. Do two sets every day. Gradually build up to two sets of 75 a day. Then add:
3. The long Kegel squeeze. Hold the muscle contraction for a count of three. Relax between contractions. Work up to holding for 10 seconds and relaxing for 10 seconds. Again, start with two sets of 20 each and gradually build up to 75. If you want a virtuoso vagina, add:
4. The Kegel push-out. After releasing the contraction, gently push down and out with your PC muscles (no bearing down!). Create Kegel sequences that combine long and short repetitions with push-outs -- for example, 10 short squeezes, 10 long squeezes, and five push-outs (any sequence will do). After two months of regular sets, you'll have well-developed PC muscles and be able to maintain them by doing 150 squeezes three or four times a week.

Extra Credit: Erotic Weight Lifting
Weights designed to exercise the PC muscles are available in sex-toy shops and catalogs. The most common varieties are smooth eggs in varying sizes made of polished wood or stone, and tiny barbells. Using your PCs, you pull them into the vagina and push them back out. Follow the directions accompanying the weights.

Step Two: Breathing Exercises

Like Kegels, breathing exercises are easy to learn and practice, and require only a few minutes. The following are adapted from Kundalini yoga, often described as sexual yoga because the exercises target the pelvic and genital areas. You don't have to do breathing exercises every day or every time you make love. Some women use them only when they're having trouble focusing on lovemaking or sustaining arousal during sex.

1. The Breath of Fire. Use this before or during lovemaking to get you in the mood or increase arousal, especially if you're having trouble reaching orgasm. There's no simpler way to oxygenate the blood, a process that increases sexual energy and elevates desire. Take rapid, rhythmic and shallow breaths through the nose. Keep your mouth closed. Breathe this way for one to three minutes.

2. Fire Breathing. Similar name, different technique. Practice it alone before incorporating it into lovemaking. Lie on your back, knees bent, feet spaced well apart. Start by taking deep breaths: Pull each breath into your body so deeply that you feel your diaphragm expanding. Imagine this huge intake of air going all the way down into your genitals. When you exhale, pull that air all the way up from your genitals and out of your body.

After a dozen or so deep breaths, pant by breathing rapidly from your belly with your mouth open. Do this 10 or 20 times, then breathe deeply, inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth. Make the breathing a continuous circular motion. Imagine a circle of fire, beginning as a small circle, composed at first only of nose and mouth, then expanding to include chest, belly and finally genitals. Feel the erotic heat moving in a circle throughout your body as you breathe. And feel your arousal growing with every breath.

Extra Credit: The Fire-Breathing Orgasm
While you're making love, flex your PC muscles in the same pattern as you perform your Fire Breath, squeezing as you inhale and releasing as you exhale. Start by flexing with the panting, then deep breathing and finally Fire Breathing. This may sound a little complicated, but it really isn't; Fire Breathing becomes a reflex action after you've practiced it a half dozen times. Your orgasm will be stunning in its intensity.

Jill, 34, reports: "I had problems with focus during lovemaking. I worried about whether he would come too soon, or would I come at all-- and lost my momentum. Fire Breathing helps me regain sexual focus. The breathing and flexing get me very excited. I can make myself have an orgasm this way, even if he's already come. I can hold him inside me and sustain his erection for a little while by the sheer force of my PCs. I have an explosive orgasm. And he loves it too."

Step Three: Pelvic Exercises

You can gain new flexibility in your pelvis and make your genitals tingle by practicing these streamlined versions of Kundalini yoga positions. They're easy, I promise: The women in my Kundalini class range in age from 20 to 60, from beginners to accomplished practitioners. But everyone could do these positions after the first session. They're ideal for strengthening the muscles of the pelvic region and for relaxing the feeling of tightness that accompanies stress. Let the tension flow out and the erotic energy wash in.

1. The Sexual Lotus. The Opening Lotus is the basic seated yoga position. In this gentler version, you don't have to lift the heels of your feet onto your thighs. Sit on a firm pillow with your back straight, not arched. Fold your legs in the Indian fashion, with heels tucked loosely and comfortably toward the groin. Rest your hands on your knees, palms up or down depending on what feels right. Breathe slowly and evenly through your nose for a few minutes. Then practice Fire Breathing for three to five minutes, until your body feels suffused with erotic energy. Spend another minute or two breathing slowly and evenly again. (See image, top right.)

2. The Cat. Get down on all fours. Inhale, becoming swaybacked, bringing your shoulders up and in, and lifting your head. Now exhale, arching your upper back and tucking the pelvis in and under. Draw your diaphragm up and in and pull your anal muscles up and in. Bring your chin down toward your chest. Repeat nine times. Rest. Do another 10. (See image, left.) 3. The Pelvic Rock. Wearing sexy panties and bra, stand in front of a full-length mirror, your arms hanging loosely by your sides. Admire what you like about your body. Ignore your flaws. Breathe deeply through your mouth, all the way down into your belly. Imagine you are breathing air into your pelvis and your vagina -- and breathing it back out again. Do this three or four times.

Start a forward-and-backward rocking movement with your pelvis. Keep your chest and back relaxed, not rigid; the rocking should be centered in your pelvis. Thrust forward as you inhale; let your pelvis rock back on the exhale. Rock back and forth for three to five minutes, until you feel sexy.

Extra Credit: The Hip Swivel
Valentin Chu, an authority on the ancient Chinese erotic arts, recommends practicing this basic move daily.
It stimulates both the pelvic zone and the "cinnabar field," the area between the navel and the pubic hairline, which is considered highly sensitive. (See image, right.)

Stand with your feet about 24 inches apart, knees slightly bent, chest slightly protruding. Put your hands on the sides of your waist, thumbs in front and fingers in the back. Swivel your hips clockwise, moving at approximately three seconds per circuit. As you move your hips forward, inhale and contract your PCs; as you move rearward, exhale and release your PCs. Move in smooth, continuous circles 10 times. Then reverse and move counterclockwise 10 times.

Step Four: Lovemaking Exercise

If you've practiced steps one through three with any diligence at all, you have strong PC muscles. You know how to awaken your own desire and intensify both your arousal and his through breathing exercises. And your pelvis is both toned and liberated. You're ready to perform a move that has the potential to give both of you intense, prolonged and even multiple orgasms.

The Butterfly Quiver. Any woman can feel like a sex goddess if she perfects this move. It couldn't be easier: Simply flex your PC muscles in time with his thrusting. When his erection is very hard, have him slow down and let you control the dynamics of intercourse. His cooperation is important: The Butterfly Quiver is most effective when he does not thrust vigorously. For greater control, shift to the female-superior position (if you aren't there already).

Now flex your PC muscles in a continuous pattern of tightening (as you pull him inside) and releasing (as you push him out), replicating the pulsing of a butterfly's wings. Make the butterfly flutter as fast as you can as he nears ejaculation. When you have developed strong PC muscles, you can make him feel as if the ejaculate is being pulled from his body -- a thrill for both of you. I learned this technique from a Malaysian sex therapist several years ago. When I say it's easy, you can believe me. The orgasms are intense, often multiple, and amazing -- all the argument you'll ever need for keeping up your Kegels.

How to Stop an Affair Before It Starts

These days, stories of cheating are dime-a-dozen. And it's not only Oscar winners, athletes, and political hotshots whose lives are being ripped apart by infidelity, it's also people you know: your neighbors, that cute couple from your kid's school, a coworker, a friend. You hear the same heartbroken refrain: "I didn't see it coming." Is it any wonder that even those of us in happy marriages are scared?

Renowned marriage and sex therapist Dr. Jane Greer says that our fears are not unfounded. "I'm seeing more and more couples — good, nice couples — who are struggling to put the pieces together after an affair," she says. "And, in my experience, women and men are cheating in equal numbers." During 20 years of counseling, Greer has identified signs that a relationship may be slipping toward infidelity. "I've seen hundreds of couples enter into what I call the Cheating Zone," says Greer, the author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, out this fall. "The Cheating Zone is that place where one partner isn't getting what they want from their relationship. His or her dashed hopes lead to anger and resentment and set the stage for the justification, 'I have a right to make myself happy.'"


Make no mistake: Cheating is never the fault of the person who is cheated on. Stepping out on the person you vowed to stick with through thick and thin is the dishonorable path of least resistance. Still, barring the public examples of people who seem to be missing the gene for self-restraint (Tiger, Jesse), most cheaters are made, not born. "They're acting out of deprivation and neediness," Greer says.

Okay, so how do you stop an affair from happening? Better yet, how do you make sure neither of you is even tempted? You look out for Greer's red flags. "You can address the underlying problems before someone cheats," she says. Following her advice won't just head off infidelity — it'll keep your marriage happy, connected, and, yes, hot.

Warning sign: Your relationship is last on your to-do list
Was there anything more intriguing than your spouse when you two first met? In those early days, you wanted to know everything about him: what he was like as a baby, where he spent his summers as a teenager, and why exactly he thinks Journey is the best band of all time.

Chances are your days of blowing off girls' night or a work deadline if it meant an extra hour with your man are long over, and that's fine. A full adult life entails balancing multiple relationships and responsibilities. Still, if you're more likely to spend your downtime on Facebook than face-to-face with your hubby — or, on the flip side, if he's more interested in reading the business section than hearing news of your day — you need to reprioritize.

IF HE'S TOO LOW ON YOUR LIST: Figure out the ways you're cutting your partner out, and fix your behavior. "It could even be a small tweak, like turning off your cell phone when you're at dinner," Greer says. In some cases, you might need to make a bigger change to save your marriage, like relocating to cut down your commute time or bowing out of your family's annual beach vacation in favor of a just-you-and-the-kids adventure. When Madeleine's* husband told her how unhappy he was, the California photographer decided to pull back on her work. She had been traveling nonstop, spending only a day or two at home between shoots — and in her absence, her husband attended parties and work functions with a female coworker.

Luckily, he communicated his feelings to Madeleine before anything happened with his coworker. "He came to me and said, 'Things are developing, and it's not right,'" Madeleine recalls. "He told me, 'I don't want a substitute wife; I want you. I need you to stop traveling so much.'" So she did. "It was a reminder that I couldn't take our relationship for granted," she says. "I wasn't willing to sacrifice my personal life for work, so I started saying 'no' to jobs and made a point of making more time for us."

IF YOU'RE TOO LOW ON HIS LIST: Tell your husband you feel neglected. "He may not be conscious that his actions make you feel ignored," Greer says. "Offer him suggestions of how he can actively demonstrate more appreciation for you." Agree to set aside time every night to check in and share your thoughts and experiences. "Often the biggest fix he can make is dropping everything to just listen to what you're saying," Greer says.

Warning sign: You don't really argue anymore
You can't always see eye-to-eye with your partner. The two of you are different people with different upbringings, life experiences, interests, and pet peeves, and every intimate relationship will have its moments of conflict. So when one of you just goes limp, agreeing on what to eat for dinner, how to spend your weekends, which couch to buy, it could be a surprising sign of trouble.

"The partner who has stopped arguing has thrown his hands up and is starting to check out," Greer says. "And it's easier to justify getting your needs met elsewhere if you feel like your perspective is not being acknowledged and that nothing in the relationship is going to change." In order to get your marriage back on track, you need to jump-start the dialogue in your household, even if it means revisiting tiresome or painful discussions.

IF HE'S COMPLETELY GIVEN UP: Has your husband reached that 'Whatever you say, dear' phase? When that happens, you need to acknowledge that you haven't been listening to his point of view. At first, Celeste, a client of Greer's from New York, was thrilled that her husband had stopped putting up a fight when she wanted them to spend every Sunday with her mother. "He used to present me with a list of alternative plans, like 'Let's see a movie,' or 'Let's go on a bike ride,' but we always ended up at my mom's." But when the couple started seeing a therapist, Celeste learned that his newfound agreeability was just a cover for the resentment he felt. "He told me that he had given up trying to be heard," she says, "that he was angry and reconsidering our future." Greer's advice for Celeste: Start a conversation by telling your guy you want to find a compromise you can both live with. For example, she could suggest they spend every other Sunday with her mother and that her husband could choose their activities on alternating weekends. "Don't avoid the flare-ups," Greer says. "You're not always going to be able to find a tidy solution to your disagreements, but you can always demonstrate a willingness to make the relationship work for both of you."

IF YOU'VE COMPLETELY GIVEN UP: You should never completely resign yourself to the idea that nothing is going to change. "By shutting down and being inactive, you are as much to blame as he is for the relationship imploding," Greer says. You need to take immediate action. "Tell your partner you want to talk to a counselor to help you two figure out how your needs can be met in your marriage. Frame it positively. Say, 'I don't want to grow further apart.'"

25 of the very best things money can't buy

We've been talking a lot these days about the expense of the back to school season, which can give your wallet a hit even if you are buying super cute things. The list of school mandated supplies, as well as new socks and underwear for growing bodies can have you thinking that even public school is mighty spendy. These are the times when it's more important than ever to be grateful for the things that don't cost a cent. It's far too easy to get caught up in the flurry of we need this! we want that!, but when you look around at the stuff money can't buy, you realize you've got the important stuff covered.

1. That look your dog gives you. You know those sad, loving eyes? Heart-melting, right?

2. Kindness. Random acts make the world go 'round. Offering your seat to someone, holding the door, smiling––these are the things that separate us from the animals. And perhaps best of all, it feels as good to give as it does to get.

3. A library card. Hardbacks break the bank, and you're always "accidentally" dropping $20 a month on iTunes. That's why I remind you, my friend, of the library. Check out every single volume in the Millennium Trilogy, borrow When Harry Met Sally for the fortieth time, and have access to all the Charles Mingus albums in the world, all for free.

4. Nature walks. Not only does research show that being outdoors lowers blood pressure and can zap your stress levels, but it just feels so dang good. The rhythms of the natural world are slower, and being around them taps us into the big picture of life.

5. Flirting. It doesn't matter if it's with your longtime sweetie pie, a new charmer in your life, or the bright-eyed barista at your local coffee shop, the rush we get from a bit of witty, smiley banter is unmatched.

6. Time. Forget your Roth IRA and your 401k. Time is the most valuable asset each of us has. How are you going to invest it?

7. Hot baths. Sometimes the only thing that can get you through the day is knowing that eventually, you'll be able to sink up to your neck in hot water and let your troubles just float away.

8. Naps. In a hammock or on top of clean sheets with the sun coming through the window just so. Heaven.

9. Silence and solitude. You can't turn off the world, but those gem-like moments when things get quiet, or you find yourself blissfully alone make the wait worth it.

10. Street musicians. One minute you're walking along, late for work and composing your grocery list in your head, the next you're listening to a great cover of "I Wanna Hold Your Hand."

11. Old friends. They knew you when you had that terrible haircut and wore the world's least flattering jeans. They take your phone calls at 2AM, give you those wipe-the-tears-away laughs, and keep all your secrets under lock and key.

12. New friends. They haven't heard that story about you and the ice skating fiasco too many times yet, and there's a buzz of excitement as you hang on each other's words and feel the spark of a fresh connection.

13. A good night's sleep. You might have to rearrange your schedule and let the dishes wait until tomorrow to make it happen, but you it's nothing that fishing in your wallet can make happen.

14. Knowing just who you are. Sure, you could buy hours of therapy to help you figure out who you are, what makes you tick, and how you can feel good about yourself. But all you really need is the will, a bit of reflective time, and maybe a pencil. That's all it takes to know just who you are and just what you want. Oh, and maybe numbers 11 and 20.

15. Spring. Every year we start doubting that it will ever finally happen, and every year those white blossoms take our breath away.

16. The things kids say. Like, randomly telling you you're so pretty, or asking that you name your next kid Frankenstein. It just never gets old.

17. Saying sorry and forgiving. Admitting we were wrong stings, but it also allows us let go of our guilt. And to forgive someone for their mistakes is to give yourself a break as much as it is a favor to your friend: you get to put down that very heavy load of resentment you've been hauling around.

18. Kissing and stuff. Enough said.

19. Confidence. It doesn't come from a new top or a pair of shoes you've been drooling over. But you already know that. It comes from right inside.

20. Family. Heaven knows they drive us nuts from time to time, but the sense of community that comes from being part of this unit is deep. We come from somewhere; these people love us, even when they hate us. In the timeless words of Caroline Manzo, "We are as thick as thieves."

21. Dance parties. It could be a party of one or a jammed, sweaty dance floor, but letting go of your inhibitions and dancing to Aretha like no one is watching is pretty much one of the best things ever.

22. Feeling understood. You know that scene in Avatar when the blue lady places her hand on the hero's chest and says, "I see you"? It's one of the most powerful feelings on earth.

23. Sunset, sunrise. Admission is free to the most amazing light show on earth.

24. Bedtime. Whether you're tucking a little person in and kissing them on the forehead, or slipping into your own bed after a too-long, too-hard day, these are the quietest, sweetest moments of the day, and they're absolutely priceless.

25. Knowing you've done your best. Life can be wicked hard. But the feeling of pride and self-satisfaction that comes from putting your best foot forward day after day feels about a four million times better than a massage.

The Sexiest Hobbies a Woman Can Have

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Hanging out at a bar last night, I started talking to the girls at the next table. We were at Ted’s Collision, my favorite watering hole in Toronto, which happens to have a pool table (and plays great music, like Motorhead, all the time). I suggested we go play, but the girl I asked just looked at me weirdly: “I don’t play pool. I do graffiti.” OK. Sooooo cool. But seriously, kinda sexy. I’ve written before about what sports I think are sexiest—what about hobbies?

1. Art
Pretty general, I know. But creativity gets major points with me. Genetics spread their gifts out, and while I was blessed with terrific calves, I was completely bypassed when it comes to artistic ability. I cannot sketch or draw, pain or sculpt. Hence, I am hugely impressed when someone else can do those things well, even if it’s just recreational.

2. Music
Musical ability is right up there with art—it’s part of the same category, in fact, and not just because I wasn’t born with the ability to do it well. For me, personally, the sexiest musical hobbies go like this: singing, guitar, piano, drums, brass, harp, bassoon.


3. Politics
“We’re going to march downtown to protest the meat industry; I put your chicken costume by the front door.” Count me out, but I love it that you’re involved. Serious back rubs and sexy times when you get back. Seriously, commitment to issues, especially when they’re grounded in an according political or moral philosophy, is a huge turnon. It shows drive, and intellect, and the all-important passion.

4. Volunteerism/Do-Gooding
I prefer to throw money at problems and hope they go away, so the minute a woman says “volunteer,” or “mentor,” I’m all ears. I’ll be super frank here: I’m attracted to people who are better than me. The idea that she spends her free time helping others is a major check in the plus column.

5. Shopping
This was a trick. Shopping is boring. So is hearing about shopping. Unless she is shopping for a new guitar, because she just rocked her old one to death.

What hobbies do you like a guy to have in his arsenal? What are your hobbies?

Parenting Mistakes: I've Made Many & Don't Feel Badly About a Single One

I have made a ton of mistakes in parenting, and I'll tell you -- I don't feel guilty nor defensive about a single one. I'd never really been around babies when I got pregnant with my son, Rowan. The youngest child I'd spent any real time with was 11 months old, and quite precocious and self-reliant. I couldn't remember ever seeing anyone breastfeed and couldn't tell you the difference between a Diaper Genie and a Snugli. I also had no local support system, because I'd moved 2,000 miles away from all my friends and family to live with my Navy husband.
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In short, I had absolutely no clue what I was doing.
What I did know though was that this was going to take work, and like anything else in my life, I wanted to be as educated as possible before going into it. Just like making my mom pay for me to take practice tests before the real ones and pushed back getting my driver's license by a couple months so I could try to be perfect -- there was no way I was going into parenting without actually having an idea of what to expect and "knowing" (hah!) how I'd handle different situations.
My OB's office gave me a gift bag with a spankin' new copy of a very popular pregnancy book. I'd heard of it, and thought it must be factual and trustworthy. I loved the layout, the information and the sections on each stage of development. I called it my Bible. By the end of pregnancy, I'd picked up and read through the entire sequel for the first year as well, confident that I now knew what I was doing, what choices I was going to make, etc. I subscribed to a couple very popular magazines as well.
The problem with the book and magazines was that they tried way, way too hard to be politically correct in lieu of giving solid, factual information, and I later learned how much misinformation and product-bias (from donations, no doubt) there really was as well.
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But I digress ..
The carseat I had was one that ended up being recalled six months later for being essentially useless in an accident but had been highly recommended by a book (which in retrospect was probably an ad made to look like an article). I had a nursery full of stuff that books and magazines swore I needed and I ended up never using. Diaper Genie, crib, dresser with changing table on top -- the list goes on and on. My son was born perfectly healthy (despite the birth, which we won't discuss here), and when it was time to feed him, I was told to use the hospital's double pump to make sure I had enough colostrum to feed him before I could nurse. So, there I sat and pumped and got out about three tablespoons, which they applauded and said was an amazing amount, that they proceeded to feed to him on a spoon. Then I was allowed to nurse. Sigh. (That was a ridiculously stupid, incredibly worthless, and potentially damaging "rule" they had. Makes me wonder what they'd have done if I hadn't been producing lots of colostrum ....)
Fast-forward to a day or two later when we're home from the hospital, baby won't stop crying, we've got a billion bottles of pre-made formula (thanks, hospitals ... not -- Ban the Bags!) and I'm exhausted, convinced I can't nurse enough, telling hubby to bottle-feed Rowan even though he doesn't want to give him formula and eventually baby vomits like the exorcist and stops breathing. Long story short, a five-day stay at the specialty children's hospital gave us a diagnosis of extreme Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD).
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I'd strap him into the Snugli that was supposed to make him happy but made us both miserable because it was stiff and he was really too small for it, put him in the swing that made him happy (but ran on batteries and was really only meant as a travel swing) and tried to fly by the seat of my pants. All that reading I'd done was really rather worthless for anything other than actually knowing how to keep this thing alive, what order his teeth might come in, and of course, knowing the signs of a million random infections and diseases that for the most part never reared their head. He slept in my bed because I was too tired most of the time to even lift him over into the playpen with a bassinet insert (another thing I thought you HAD to have).
It wasn't until my husband was deployed (and I'd stopped using formula because I was too lazy and tired) that we got his GERD under control -- thanks to the "Breastfeeding Your Reflux Baby" group I'd found on a forum for moms. Then I started learning more and more: that my carseat was really dangerous, co-sleeping was actually okay, my Snugli hurt because it was a bad carrier, I had plenty of breast milk, formula was making the GERD worse, and there were medications we could even use. And no thanks to the !%#$*%!^ pediatrician (who had no children), but we did get medication and suddenly Rowan was like a different child.
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I think the most valuable resource out of everything I'd had was other moms -- the information they shared and pointed me to helped me the most. Occasionally someone would tell me that something I was doing or had done was a bad idea and they'd tell me why. God, how I soaked this all up! These women helped me save my breastfeeding relationship (which went on for 28 months), and I got my son into a safe carseat. I tried cloth diapers, learned how to safely co-sleep, and realized that I had a bad pediatrician who was way out of line (told me to have a 2-month-old CIO!), amongst other things.
I am grateful every day that I was open and willing to learn from them. Sometimes things were phrased meanly, but I read what they meant instead of how it came out (even if I did have to walk away to think about it). Sometimes they pointed out the poor choices I'd make and I'd feel bad but never did I lash out at them -- after all, it's not their fault I made a poor or misinformed choice -- and some of them had made the mistakes I was making or about to make. I was able to learn through their experience as well, and maybe save myself or my child some problems, thanks to those ladies.
Because I was willing to learn, willing to admit mistakes, open to asking for help, and really valued the lessons I shared, I changed so much into the amazing mom I'm proud to be. When my daughter was born, I was able to go into it so much more educated and confident that the newborn period wasn't even stressful, but wonderful and special. I never once worried if the carseat was installed or used correctly, whether I had enough milk, if I should be forcing her to sleep in a crib, or anything. I am at ease not because I am just going with the flow or with what works, but because I know that I am making the BEST decisions for her health AND mine.
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It's so much easier this time, and I'm comfortable knowing that the mistakes I've made in the past are in the past. I will not make them again because I learned to do better and I still, even now, never stop learning and seeking out knowledge. I also never feel guilty or lash out at people who correct me, but welcome correction and thank those who give it and openly share my mistakes. I know that at all times I put in 100 percent, and on bad days, can admit to myself where I went wrong. I do my hardest, I do what is proven safest and healthiest. I'm never upset with mistakes I've made because I know I was doing the best I could with what I knew at the time and am honest with myself.
I want people to share their mistakes and fully admit to them because it helps them be a better parent, rid of guilt, and prevent others from making the same mistakes. Also, if god forbid anything ever happens to your child, you won't have to consider that maybe if you'd done what you knew was better but didn't for whatever reason, it could have been prevented.
More from The Stir: Drinking While Pregnant Could Harm Your Son's Sperm!
There's no reason to feel guilty if you know you're doing the best you possibly can at all times, and are willing to change your ways if you learn that you're not at your best. People who point out areas you could improve aren't doing so to be mean, either, so don't lash out at them or accuse them of "making" you feel a certain way. Only you control your emotions. Like Eleanor Roosevelt said,

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Remember that ... every time you start to get upset at someone trying to help you. They don't make you feel any way -- you choose to feel that way, and maybe it's worth figuring out why instead of attacking people who try to help. If it weren't for those people, there'd be a lot more dead and sick babies and upset and scared new moms.
What mistakes have you made in the past and how did you learn to do better?

10 bra-shopping rules to follow

It’s practically a rite of passage for an adolescent girl to stand in a dressing room, red-faced, While Mom and the saleslady search for her first bra. However, even as we grow older—and more comfortable with our curves—finding the perfect undergarments can still feel a bit like an unsolved mystery. According to Susan Nethero, the "Bra Whisperer" and founder of {Intimacy} bra shops, and Karen Bromley, spokeswoman for the Intimate Apparel Council, the right bra doesn't have to be so elusive. Follow the 10 rules of bra shopping to end your hunt for the perfect fit once and for all.

10 Bra-Shopping Rules to Follow

10 Bra-Shopping Rules to Follow

Rule #1: Know your measurements.
According to both Bromley and Nethero, the first thing a woman should do before buying a bra is get fitted, which entails getting measured directly under the bust and across the fullest part of the bust. Nethero says 85 percent of women are actually wearing the wrong size. "The biggest mistake is that most women don't get fitted," Bromley adds. "You buy a pair of shoes, you want them to fit comfortably—your bra fit is just as important." And getting fitted once isn’t going to cut it—as your body weight changes, your bra size will too. Nethero recommends a “bra checkup” whenever a woman’s weight fluctuates by 10 percent, which often happens as a result of pregnancy, nursing, exercise, dietary changes, hormones, menopause, puberty and weight gain.

Rule #2: Your cups should be front and center.
Once you find out your real bra size (which can be shocking for some women) it’s important to find an undergarment that not only provides enough support, but also correctly positions your breasts. Nethero says, “When you are looking in the mirror, your bra should lift and center your bust midway between your shoulders and elbows, and your breasts should stay within your body’s frame. You don’t want to carry low and wide.” She says there should also be one inch of definition between your breasts.

Rule #3: The bra should fit firmly around your frame.
Women often associate looseness with comfort, but bras should always have a snug fit. A brassiere gets 90 percent of its stability from the band being firm and level around the body. If your bra is too loose, it will shift up the back and cause every component that's supposed to provide support to be unstable. Nethero's advice: "The bra should be tight enough that you can fit only two fingers under the band. The back of the bra should be level with or lower than the front. You want it to be stable as you move throughout the day."

Rule #4: Account for stretching.
Most bras are made of flexible materials, like Lycra and spandex. Over time, with normal wear, they will eventually stretch out. Nethero recommends buying a bra that fits best when it’s latched at the widest possible position, to account for the inevitable give in the fabric. "It should be on the last hook, so as the bra stretches, you can tighten it," she says.

Rule #5: Pay attention to the seam.
While it doesn't provide the primary support, a structured cup with a seam gives a nice lift, as well as the best shape. "The breast tissue will rest on the seam, so a great way to figure out the shape of a bra is to look at the seam," says Nethero. "A seam that runs across the bra will make the breast look fuller, while a seam that runs up and down will make the breast look more centered." She also notes that many women opt for seamless, often called T-shirt, bras because they are afraid the seam will show through their shirt. But if you are planning on wearing the bra with dark-colored clothing, the seam won’t show through the fabric, so it’s better to opt for more support.

Get expert advice on the right way to wash your undergarments.

Rule #6: Wear the right shirt when shopping.
Even though you’re shopping for something that goes under your garments, make sure you have the correct top on when you hit the store. Nethero says a loose or high-collared shirt won’t accurately show you how a bra will look—especially under more body-conscious clothing. She recommends wearing “a fitted shirt when trying on bras so you can see the different shape effects bras can provide.” Also, if you have a dress or shirt with a tricky neckline, clingy material or any other exasperating feature that makes it difficult to find the right bra to wear with it, bring the item with you so the experts at the store can help you find a solution.

Rule #7: Strapless bras are a little trickier to fit.
A strapless bra also needs to fit firmly around the body, but because you don't have the support of the straps, you may need to go up a cup size so it doesn't pinch the breasts and create a ridge across the top, Nethero says. "A good thing to look for is a strapless bra that has latex or a grip strip across the body to hold it in place better, since you don't have the additional support of the straps."

Rule #8: Just because you wear a bigger cup size, doesn’t mean you can’t have fashionable bras.
The fastest-growing segment of bras is DD and over, according to Bromley. In fact, Nethero says she sold 40,000 bras in a G cup last year alone. And unlike in the past, demi- and semi-bras are being made in sizes up to D cups. The style is “not as shallow as a smaller cup size, but it is proportionally smaller and gives a much more youthful appearance," Nethero says. "It gives a fuller-busted person the opportunity to wear something that's youthful and sexy but still gives full support."

Rule #9: Opt for greater quantity—and quality—of bras.
The more bras you have, and the better quality they are, the less often you’ll have to replace them. Though it will cost more money upfront, you will end up saving in the long run. According to Nethero, you shouldn't be wearing the same few bras week after week or the same bra for two days in a row. "We know from our research that women are wearing four bras or fewer, but they really should be wearing seven to 10," she says. With a higher number of bras, you can rotate them and wear the same three or four bras one week, then another three or four the next. "And while you might say a less expensive bra will cost less, it will wear out faster. So it's our belief that women should get better-quality bras and have a diversity of bras."

Rule #10: Always follow care tag instructions.
If you do buy higher-quality bras, proper maintenance will help make them last. Experts recommend you hand or machine wash your bra after two wears. "Use a soap that is gentle on Lycra-based material, like Forever New, and never put them in the dryer," recommends Nethero. When laundering undergarments with a washing machine, a netted laundry bag will protect the hooks from clasping onto other articles of clothing as well as prevent the bra from twisting and turning out of shape.

Would You Sue a Salon for $50,000 if They Screwed Up Your Hair?

Time to play armchair jury, and have I got a doozy of a case for you. A woman in Oregon, who has been bleaching her hair for 25 years, is suing her salon for $50,000 because her hair started snapping off after her most recent bleaching session.

The woman, Sarah Jane Ward, blames an inept stylist and says she suffered humiliation, depression and had to pay for hair extensions. (She should have checked out this video on doing hair extensions at home, would have saved her some cash.)

The salon claims that Ward ignored a stylist's recommendations and damaged her hair with teasing and flat ironing (I wonder if she was using one of these flat irons?). They also say that since she didn't go bald or suffer a mental health crisis, they shouldn't be responsible.

While we can't give a verdict (we'll leave that up to the jury … and any of you who'd like to comment below), we can give some advice on keeping color-treated hair from turning into a disaster like this:

Avoid heat styling whenever you can and don't use scorching hot water in the shower.

When you do heat style, always use a product to protect hair (like one of these).

Stay out of the sun (or wear a hat when exposed to sun). And look for hair products that contain SPF and are formulated for color-treated hair.

Wash hair less -- it will keep hair from drying out and help color last longer. When you do shampoo, make sure it's with a quality product, like one of these. And always follow up with a good conditioner.

Leave a weekly deep conditioning treatment (these ones are fantastic) on strands for at least 15 minutes to allow it to reach down to your hair's cuticle.

Use a large-toothed comb in the shower while deep conditioning to distribute the product evenly through hair

What is a mother's work really worth?

One of my favorite quotes in Laurie PK's Mother's Day post comes from the eminently quotable Anne Morrow Lindbergh: “By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off. They are the great vacationless class.”

Add to that the fact that mothering work is unpaid, and it's a double whammy. True words like Lindbergh's are why it's both illuminating and depressing to put a dollar figure to the work mothers do at home. Just in time for Mother's Day, Salary.com has done that in its 9th annual mom salary survey. This year, a stay-at-home mom performing the 10 most popular "mom-job functions" does the work equivalent of a $122,732 salary, up 5 percent over last year's calculations. A mom who works outside the home 40 hours a week does work that equates to an annual cash compensation of $76,184, an 11 percent increase. A lucrative second job--if that second shift were actually a paid gig.

How do the folks at Salary.com arrive at such hefty numbers? First, they take 10 jobs that closely match the multiple jobs moms do at home. Think laundry machine operator, janitor, van driver, housekeeper, computer operator, cook, daycare center teacher, facilities manager, psychologist, and chief executive officer. Then they surveyed 12,150 moms to quantify their hours worked in each role for a typical week. Salary.com's compensation professionals weighted the different responsibilities of the job to determine the average mom's overall total compensation.

The (fake) salaries for mothers increased during a year salary increases are rare because Salary.com's researchers found that moms--stay-at-home and work-outside-the-home--are outsourcing less of the around-the-house jobs and, as a result, are putting in lots of "overtime." According to the survey, the working mom had 17 hours of overtime in addition to her full-time hours both at work and as a mom, and the stay-at-home mom worked 56 hours of overtime, bringing her work week to 96 hours. That's a lot of unpaid work.

So, what's the value in calculating the value of a mother's work if there is no way she'll ever get paid for it? Well, in a culture that assigns value in dollars, it's important to see in black and white the many jobs moms do and how those jobs are valued in the job market. It's also a way for Salary.com to highlight how its tools shed light on how employers set salaries for jobs.

"This is our ninth year looking at the value of mom's work. It has become a popular annual event because it not only recognizes the critical value of what moms do, but educates the public on the key factors that determine what employers are willing to pay for a given job," said Meredith Hanrahan, senior vice president at Salary.com, Inc. "We value the job of mom based on her job description and calculate what an employer would have to pay in cash if they were to hire someone to do all that a mom does."

Want to know what you or a mom in your life should get paid? You can use the Mom Salary Wizard, then create a fake mom paycheck and pay stub to be sent on Mother's Day. But here's the dilemma: Knowing how much a mom should get paid can be a good thing if those around her are recognizing the value of all she does. Or, it could just make her very sad that she can't cash that check for real.

What do you think? Is there value in assigning a dollar value to all moms do?

Five Things It Might Mean When He Won’t Sleep With You

Sure, one of them might be that he’s gay. But probably not…

Last week’s really funny post about guy excuses for turning down sex got me to thinking about why it is men turn down sex. Because like, that’s not our M.O. right? We’re supposed to be willing to sleep with a fire hydrant in lipstick. We’re supposed to be willing to sleep with a fire hydrant without the lipstick. Women are always telling me how it’s no great shakes to get a guy to sleep with them — it doesn’t mean a thing.

But it does. Sometimes, yes, we will mount a mannequin. But other times we won’t even sleep with women we are really into. Here are some reasons why…

5) He’s scared.
Maybe he’s scared that he won’t perform. Maybe he’s kind of afraid of sex, period (it does happen to men, though no man is likely to admit it). Maybe he’s afraid of losing you, and the idea of getting to the next phase of the relationship excites that worry.

4) He doesn’t want you to think he’s a player
I have to admit: every time I ever slept with a woman without having known her and dated her for at least a Presidential term, the woman would afterward say something like, “You probably do that all the time with all kinds of women.” Not true! Or at least not as true as I’d have liked it to be! So in order to ward off that impression, even players will wait until you beg for it.

10 Things He's Thinking When You're Naked

3) He wants to be in control
If he wants it more than you, if you’re withholding it or he perceives it that way, then you have the power. Men are unnerved by that.

2) He Doesn’t Want to Commit yet
I know tons of guys who, after a woman has a why-did-you-lead-me-on talk with them, plead innocence thusly: It’s not like I slept with her. Sometimes men think that, if we haven't slept with a woman yet, we have free reign to behave how we like. Which is an entirely different problem.

1) He really really likes you and doesn’t want to screw this up
Man are we some relaxed cats when we’ve got nothing invested. We’re often at our best, impressing-ladies-wise, when we don’t actually care about the outcome. But when every single thing we do makes us wonder whether you’ll still like us? That’s when we freeze up a little. So look at it as a good sign, as long as you're into us, too.

Has a guy ever refused you sex? Why, you think? Do you ever refuse sex to guys you actually want to sleep with, and why?