How to Stop an Affair Before It Starts

These days, stories of cheating are dime-a-dozen. And it's not only Oscar winners, athletes, and political hotshots whose lives are being ripped apart by infidelity, it's also people you know: your neighbors, that cute couple from your kid's school, a coworker, a friend. You hear the same heartbroken refrain: "I didn't see it coming." Is it any wonder that even those of us in happy marriages are scared?

Renowned marriage and sex therapist Dr. Jane Greer says that our fears are not unfounded. "I'm seeing more and more couples — good, nice couples — who are struggling to put the pieces together after an affair," she says. "And, in my experience, women and men are cheating in equal numbers." During 20 years of counseling, Greer has identified signs that a relationship may be slipping toward infidelity. "I've seen hundreds of couples enter into what I call the Cheating Zone," says Greer, the author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, out this fall. "The Cheating Zone is that place where one partner isn't getting what they want from their relationship. His or her dashed hopes lead to anger and resentment and set the stage for the justification, 'I have a right to make myself happy.'"


Make no mistake: Cheating is never the fault of the person who is cheated on. Stepping out on the person you vowed to stick with through thick and thin is the dishonorable path of least resistance. Still, barring the public examples of people who seem to be missing the gene for self-restraint (Tiger, Jesse), most cheaters are made, not born. "They're acting out of deprivation and neediness," Greer says.

Okay, so how do you stop an affair from happening? Better yet, how do you make sure neither of you is even tempted? You look out for Greer's red flags. "You can address the underlying problems before someone cheats," she says. Following her advice won't just head off infidelity — it'll keep your marriage happy, connected, and, yes, hot.

Warning sign: Your relationship is last on your to-do list
Was there anything more intriguing than your spouse when you two first met? In those early days, you wanted to know everything about him: what he was like as a baby, where he spent his summers as a teenager, and why exactly he thinks Journey is the best band of all time.

Chances are your days of blowing off girls' night or a work deadline if it meant an extra hour with your man are long over, and that's fine. A full adult life entails balancing multiple relationships and responsibilities. Still, if you're more likely to spend your downtime on Facebook than face-to-face with your hubby — or, on the flip side, if he's more interested in reading the business section than hearing news of your day — you need to reprioritize.

IF HE'S TOO LOW ON YOUR LIST: Figure out the ways you're cutting your partner out, and fix your behavior. "It could even be a small tweak, like turning off your cell phone when you're at dinner," Greer says. In some cases, you might need to make a bigger change to save your marriage, like relocating to cut down your commute time or bowing out of your family's annual beach vacation in favor of a just-you-and-the-kids adventure. When Madeleine's* husband told her how unhappy he was, the California photographer decided to pull back on her work. She had been traveling nonstop, spending only a day or two at home between shoots — and in her absence, her husband attended parties and work functions with a female coworker.

Luckily, he communicated his feelings to Madeleine before anything happened with his coworker. "He came to me and said, 'Things are developing, and it's not right,'" Madeleine recalls. "He told me, 'I don't want a substitute wife; I want you. I need you to stop traveling so much.'" So she did. "It was a reminder that I couldn't take our relationship for granted," she says. "I wasn't willing to sacrifice my personal life for work, so I started saying 'no' to jobs and made a point of making more time for us."

IF YOU'RE TOO LOW ON HIS LIST: Tell your husband you feel neglected. "He may not be conscious that his actions make you feel ignored," Greer says. "Offer him suggestions of how he can actively demonstrate more appreciation for you." Agree to set aside time every night to check in and share your thoughts and experiences. "Often the biggest fix he can make is dropping everything to just listen to what you're saying," Greer says.

Warning sign: You don't really argue anymore
You can't always see eye-to-eye with your partner. The two of you are different people with different upbringings, life experiences, interests, and pet peeves, and every intimate relationship will have its moments of conflict. So when one of you just goes limp, agreeing on what to eat for dinner, how to spend your weekends, which couch to buy, it could be a surprising sign of trouble.

"The partner who has stopped arguing has thrown his hands up and is starting to check out," Greer says. "And it's easier to justify getting your needs met elsewhere if you feel like your perspective is not being acknowledged and that nothing in the relationship is going to change." In order to get your marriage back on track, you need to jump-start the dialogue in your household, even if it means revisiting tiresome or painful discussions.

IF HE'S COMPLETELY GIVEN UP: Has your husband reached that 'Whatever you say, dear' phase? When that happens, you need to acknowledge that you haven't been listening to his point of view. At first, Celeste, a client of Greer's from New York, was thrilled that her husband had stopped putting up a fight when she wanted them to spend every Sunday with her mother. "He used to present me with a list of alternative plans, like 'Let's see a movie,' or 'Let's go on a bike ride,' but we always ended up at my mom's." But when the couple started seeing a therapist, Celeste learned that his newfound agreeability was just a cover for the resentment he felt. "He told me that he had given up trying to be heard," she says, "that he was angry and reconsidering our future." Greer's advice for Celeste: Start a conversation by telling your guy you want to find a compromise you can both live with. For example, she could suggest they spend every other Sunday with her mother and that her husband could choose their activities on alternating weekends. "Don't avoid the flare-ups," Greer says. "You're not always going to be able to find a tidy solution to your disagreements, but you can always demonstrate a willingness to make the relationship work for both of you."

IF YOU'VE COMPLETELY GIVEN UP: You should never completely resign yourself to the idea that nothing is going to change. "By shutting down and being inactive, you are as much to blame as he is for the relationship imploding," Greer says. You need to take immediate action. "Tell your partner you want to talk to a counselor to help you two figure out how your needs can be met in your marriage. Frame it positively. Say, 'I don't want to grow further apart.'"