Parenting Mistakes: I've Made Many & Don't Feel Badly About a Single One

I have made a ton of mistakes in parenting, and I'll tell you -- I don't feel guilty nor defensive about a single one. I'd never really been around babies when I got pregnant with my son, Rowan. The youngest child I'd spent any real time with was 11 months old, and quite precocious and self-reliant. I couldn't remember ever seeing anyone breastfeed and couldn't tell you the difference between a Diaper Genie and a Snugli. I also had no local support system, because I'd moved 2,000 miles away from all my friends and family to live with my Navy husband.
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In short, I had absolutely no clue what I was doing.
What I did know though was that this was going to take work, and like anything else in my life, I wanted to be as educated as possible before going into it. Just like making my mom pay for me to take practice tests before the real ones and pushed back getting my driver's license by a couple months so I could try to be perfect -- there was no way I was going into parenting without actually having an idea of what to expect and "knowing" (hah!) how I'd handle different situations.
My OB's office gave me a gift bag with a spankin' new copy of a very popular pregnancy book. I'd heard of it, and thought it must be factual and trustworthy. I loved the layout, the information and the sections on each stage of development. I called it my Bible. By the end of pregnancy, I'd picked up and read through the entire sequel for the first year as well, confident that I now knew what I was doing, what choices I was going to make, etc. I subscribed to a couple very popular magazines as well.
The problem with the book and magazines was that they tried way, way too hard to be politically correct in lieu of giving solid, factual information, and I later learned how much misinformation and product-bias (from donations, no doubt) there really was as well.
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But I digress ..
The carseat I had was one that ended up being recalled six months later for being essentially useless in an accident but had been highly recommended by a book (which in retrospect was probably an ad made to look like an article). I had a nursery full of stuff that books and magazines swore I needed and I ended up never using. Diaper Genie, crib, dresser with changing table on top -- the list goes on and on. My son was born perfectly healthy (despite the birth, which we won't discuss here), and when it was time to feed him, I was told to use the hospital's double pump to make sure I had enough colostrum to feed him before I could nurse. So, there I sat and pumped and got out about three tablespoons, which they applauded and said was an amazing amount, that they proceeded to feed to him on a spoon. Then I was allowed to nurse. Sigh. (That was a ridiculously stupid, incredibly worthless, and potentially damaging "rule" they had. Makes me wonder what they'd have done if I hadn't been producing lots of colostrum ....)
Fast-forward to a day or two later when we're home from the hospital, baby won't stop crying, we've got a billion bottles of pre-made formula (thanks, hospitals ... not -- Ban the Bags!) and I'm exhausted, convinced I can't nurse enough, telling hubby to bottle-feed Rowan even though he doesn't want to give him formula and eventually baby vomits like the exorcist and stops breathing. Long story short, a five-day stay at the specialty children's hospital gave us a diagnosis of extreme Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD).
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I'd strap him into the Snugli that was supposed to make him happy but made us both miserable because it was stiff and he was really too small for it, put him in the swing that made him happy (but ran on batteries and was really only meant as a travel swing) and tried to fly by the seat of my pants. All that reading I'd done was really rather worthless for anything other than actually knowing how to keep this thing alive, what order his teeth might come in, and of course, knowing the signs of a million random infections and diseases that for the most part never reared their head. He slept in my bed because I was too tired most of the time to even lift him over into the playpen with a bassinet insert (another thing I thought you HAD to have).
It wasn't until my husband was deployed (and I'd stopped using formula because I was too lazy and tired) that we got his GERD under control -- thanks to the "Breastfeeding Your Reflux Baby" group I'd found on a forum for moms. Then I started learning more and more: that my carseat was really dangerous, co-sleeping was actually okay, my Snugli hurt because it was a bad carrier, I had plenty of breast milk, formula was making the GERD worse, and there were medications we could even use. And no thanks to the !%#$*%!^ pediatrician (who had no children), but we did get medication and suddenly Rowan was like a different child.
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I think the most valuable resource out of everything I'd had was other moms -- the information they shared and pointed me to helped me the most. Occasionally someone would tell me that something I was doing or had done was a bad idea and they'd tell me why. God, how I soaked this all up! These women helped me save my breastfeeding relationship (which went on for 28 months), and I got my son into a safe carseat. I tried cloth diapers, learned how to safely co-sleep, and realized that I had a bad pediatrician who was way out of line (told me to have a 2-month-old CIO!), amongst other things.
I am grateful every day that I was open and willing to learn from them. Sometimes things were phrased meanly, but I read what they meant instead of how it came out (even if I did have to walk away to think about it). Sometimes they pointed out the poor choices I'd make and I'd feel bad but never did I lash out at them -- after all, it's not their fault I made a poor or misinformed choice -- and some of them had made the mistakes I was making or about to make. I was able to learn through their experience as well, and maybe save myself or my child some problems, thanks to those ladies.
Because I was willing to learn, willing to admit mistakes, open to asking for help, and really valued the lessons I shared, I changed so much into the amazing mom I'm proud to be. When my daughter was born, I was able to go into it so much more educated and confident that the newborn period wasn't even stressful, but wonderful and special. I never once worried if the carseat was installed or used correctly, whether I had enough milk, if I should be forcing her to sleep in a crib, or anything. I am at ease not because I am just going with the flow or with what works, but because I know that I am making the BEST decisions for her health AND mine.
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It's so much easier this time, and I'm comfortable knowing that the mistakes I've made in the past are in the past. I will not make them again because I learned to do better and I still, even now, never stop learning and seeking out knowledge. I also never feel guilty or lash out at people who correct me, but welcome correction and thank those who give it and openly share my mistakes. I know that at all times I put in 100 percent, and on bad days, can admit to myself where I went wrong. I do my hardest, I do what is proven safest and healthiest. I'm never upset with mistakes I've made because I know I was doing the best I could with what I knew at the time and am honest with myself.
I want people to share their mistakes and fully admit to them because it helps them be a better parent, rid of guilt, and prevent others from making the same mistakes. Also, if god forbid anything ever happens to your child, you won't have to consider that maybe if you'd done what you knew was better but didn't for whatever reason, it could have been prevented.
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There's no reason to feel guilty if you know you're doing the best you possibly can at all times, and are willing to change your ways if you learn that you're not at your best. People who point out areas you could improve aren't doing so to be mean, either, so don't lash out at them or accuse them of "making" you feel a certain way. Only you control your emotions. Like Eleanor Roosevelt said,

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Remember that ... every time you start to get upset at someone trying to help you. They don't make you feel any way -- you choose to feel that way, and maybe it's worth figuring out why instead of attacking people who try to help. If it weren't for those people, there'd be a lot more dead and sick babies and upset and scared new moms.
What mistakes have you made in the past and how did you learn to do better?

10 bra-shopping rules to follow

It’s practically a rite of passage for an adolescent girl to stand in a dressing room, red-faced, While Mom and the saleslady search for her first bra. However, even as we grow older—and more comfortable with our curves—finding the perfect undergarments can still feel a bit like an unsolved mystery. According to Susan Nethero, the "Bra Whisperer" and founder of {Intimacy} bra shops, and Karen Bromley, spokeswoman for the Intimate Apparel Council, the right bra doesn't have to be so elusive. Follow the 10 rules of bra shopping to end your hunt for the perfect fit once and for all.

10 Bra-Shopping Rules to Follow

10 Bra-Shopping Rules to Follow

Rule #1: Know your measurements.
According to both Bromley and Nethero, the first thing a woman should do before buying a bra is get fitted, which entails getting measured directly under the bust and across the fullest part of the bust. Nethero says 85 percent of women are actually wearing the wrong size. "The biggest mistake is that most women don't get fitted," Bromley adds. "You buy a pair of shoes, you want them to fit comfortably—your bra fit is just as important." And getting fitted once isn’t going to cut it—as your body weight changes, your bra size will too. Nethero recommends a “bra checkup” whenever a woman’s weight fluctuates by 10 percent, which often happens as a result of pregnancy, nursing, exercise, dietary changes, hormones, menopause, puberty and weight gain.

Rule #2: Your cups should be front and center.
Once you find out your real bra size (which can be shocking for some women) it’s important to find an undergarment that not only provides enough support, but also correctly positions your breasts. Nethero says, “When you are looking in the mirror, your bra should lift and center your bust midway between your shoulders and elbows, and your breasts should stay within your body’s frame. You don’t want to carry low and wide.” She says there should also be one inch of definition between your breasts.

Rule #3: The bra should fit firmly around your frame.
Women often associate looseness with comfort, but bras should always have a snug fit. A brassiere gets 90 percent of its stability from the band being firm and level around the body. If your bra is too loose, it will shift up the back and cause every component that's supposed to provide support to be unstable. Nethero's advice: "The bra should be tight enough that you can fit only two fingers under the band. The back of the bra should be level with or lower than the front. You want it to be stable as you move throughout the day."

Rule #4: Account for stretching.
Most bras are made of flexible materials, like Lycra and spandex. Over time, with normal wear, they will eventually stretch out. Nethero recommends buying a bra that fits best when it’s latched at the widest possible position, to account for the inevitable give in the fabric. "It should be on the last hook, so as the bra stretches, you can tighten it," she says.

Rule #5: Pay attention to the seam.
While it doesn't provide the primary support, a structured cup with a seam gives a nice lift, as well as the best shape. "The breast tissue will rest on the seam, so a great way to figure out the shape of a bra is to look at the seam," says Nethero. "A seam that runs across the bra will make the breast look fuller, while a seam that runs up and down will make the breast look more centered." She also notes that many women opt for seamless, often called T-shirt, bras because they are afraid the seam will show through their shirt. But if you are planning on wearing the bra with dark-colored clothing, the seam won’t show through the fabric, so it’s better to opt for more support.

Get expert advice on the right way to wash your undergarments.

Rule #6: Wear the right shirt when shopping.
Even though you’re shopping for something that goes under your garments, make sure you have the correct top on when you hit the store. Nethero says a loose or high-collared shirt won’t accurately show you how a bra will look—especially under more body-conscious clothing. She recommends wearing “a fitted shirt when trying on bras so you can see the different shape effects bras can provide.” Also, if you have a dress or shirt with a tricky neckline, clingy material or any other exasperating feature that makes it difficult to find the right bra to wear with it, bring the item with you so the experts at the store can help you find a solution.

Rule #7: Strapless bras are a little trickier to fit.
A strapless bra also needs to fit firmly around the body, but because you don't have the support of the straps, you may need to go up a cup size so it doesn't pinch the breasts and create a ridge across the top, Nethero says. "A good thing to look for is a strapless bra that has latex or a grip strip across the body to hold it in place better, since you don't have the additional support of the straps."

Rule #8: Just because you wear a bigger cup size, doesn’t mean you can’t have fashionable bras.
The fastest-growing segment of bras is DD and over, according to Bromley. In fact, Nethero says she sold 40,000 bras in a G cup last year alone. And unlike in the past, demi- and semi-bras are being made in sizes up to D cups. The style is “not as shallow as a smaller cup size, but it is proportionally smaller and gives a much more youthful appearance," Nethero says. "It gives a fuller-busted person the opportunity to wear something that's youthful and sexy but still gives full support."

Rule #9: Opt for greater quantity—and quality—of bras.
The more bras you have, and the better quality they are, the less often you’ll have to replace them. Though it will cost more money upfront, you will end up saving in the long run. According to Nethero, you shouldn't be wearing the same few bras week after week or the same bra for two days in a row. "We know from our research that women are wearing four bras or fewer, but they really should be wearing seven to 10," she says. With a higher number of bras, you can rotate them and wear the same three or four bras one week, then another three or four the next. "And while you might say a less expensive bra will cost less, it will wear out faster. So it's our belief that women should get better-quality bras and have a diversity of bras."

Rule #10: Always follow care tag instructions.
If you do buy higher-quality bras, proper maintenance will help make them last. Experts recommend you hand or machine wash your bra after two wears. "Use a soap that is gentle on Lycra-based material, like Forever New, and never put them in the dryer," recommends Nethero. When laundering undergarments with a washing machine, a netted laundry bag will protect the hooks from clasping onto other articles of clothing as well as prevent the bra from twisting and turning out of shape.

Would You Sue a Salon for $50,000 if They Screwed Up Your Hair?

Time to play armchair jury, and have I got a doozy of a case for you. A woman in Oregon, who has been bleaching her hair for 25 years, is suing her salon for $50,000 because her hair started snapping off after her most recent bleaching session.

The woman, Sarah Jane Ward, blames an inept stylist and says she suffered humiliation, depression and had to pay for hair extensions. (She should have checked out this video on doing hair extensions at home, would have saved her some cash.)

The salon claims that Ward ignored a stylist's recommendations and damaged her hair with teasing and flat ironing (I wonder if she was using one of these flat irons?). They also say that since she didn't go bald or suffer a mental health crisis, they shouldn't be responsible.

While we can't give a verdict (we'll leave that up to the jury … and any of you who'd like to comment below), we can give some advice on keeping color-treated hair from turning into a disaster like this:

Avoid heat styling whenever you can and don't use scorching hot water in the shower.

When you do heat style, always use a product to protect hair (like one of these).

Stay out of the sun (or wear a hat when exposed to sun). And look for hair products that contain SPF and are formulated for color-treated hair.

Wash hair less -- it will keep hair from drying out and help color last longer. When you do shampoo, make sure it's with a quality product, like one of these. And always follow up with a good conditioner.

Leave a weekly deep conditioning treatment (these ones are fantastic) on strands for at least 15 minutes to allow it to reach down to your hair's cuticle.

Use a large-toothed comb in the shower while deep conditioning to distribute the product evenly through hair

What is a mother's work really worth?

One of my favorite quotes in Laurie PK's Mother's Day post comes from the eminently quotable Anne Morrow Lindbergh: “By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off. They are the great vacationless class.”

Add to that the fact that mothering work is unpaid, and it's a double whammy. True words like Lindbergh's are why it's both illuminating and depressing to put a dollar figure to the work mothers do at home. Just in time for Mother's Day, Salary.com has done that in its 9th annual mom salary survey. This year, a stay-at-home mom performing the 10 most popular "mom-job functions" does the work equivalent of a $122,732 salary, up 5 percent over last year's calculations. A mom who works outside the home 40 hours a week does work that equates to an annual cash compensation of $76,184, an 11 percent increase. A lucrative second job--if that second shift were actually a paid gig.

How do the folks at Salary.com arrive at such hefty numbers? First, they take 10 jobs that closely match the multiple jobs moms do at home. Think laundry machine operator, janitor, van driver, housekeeper, computer operator, cook, daycare center teacher, facilities manager, psychologist, and chief executive officer. Then they surveyed 12,150 moms to quantify their hours worked in each role for a typical week. Salary.com's compensation professionals weighted the different responsibilities of the job to determine the average mom's overall total compensation.

The (fake) salaries for mothers increased during a year salary increases are rare because Salary.com's researchers found that moms--stay-at-home and work-outside-the-home--are outsourcing less of the around-the-house jobs and, as a result, are putting in lots of "overtime." According to the survey, the working mom had 17 hours of overtime in addition to her full-time hours both at work and as a mom, and the stay-at-home mom worked 56 hours of overtime, bringing her work week to 96 hours. That's a lot of unpaid work.

So, what's the value in calculating the value of a mother's work if there is no way she'll ever get paid for it? Well, in a culture that assigns value in dollars, it's important to see in black and white the many jobs moms do and how those jobs are valued in the job market. It's also a way for Salary.com to highlight how its tools shed light on how employers set salaries for jobs.

"This is our ninth year looking at the value of mom's work. It has become a popular annual event because it not only recognizes the critical value of what moms do, but educates the public on the key factors that determine what employers are willing to pay for a given job," said Meredith Hanrahan, senior vice president at Salary.com, Inc. "We value the job of mom based on her job description and calculate what an employer would have to pay in cash if they were to hire someone to do all that a mom does."

Want to know what you or a mom in your life should get paid? You can use the Mom Salary Wizard, then create a fake mom paycheck and pay stub to be sent on Mother's Day. But here's the dilemma: Knowing how much a mom should get paid can be a good thing if those around her are recognizing the value of all she does. Or, it could just make her very sad that she can't cash that check for real.

What do you think? Is there value in assigning a dollar value to all moms do?

Five Things It Might Mean When He Won’t Sleep With You

Sure, one of them might be that he’s gay. But probably not…

Last week’s really funny post about guy excuses for turning down sex got me to thinking about why it is men turn down sex. Because like, that’s not our M.O. right? We’re supposed to be willing to sleep with a fire hydrant in lipstick. We’re supposed to be willing to sleep with a fire hydrant without the lipstick. Women are always telling me how it’s no great shakes to get a guy to sleep with them — it doesn’t mean a thing.

But it does. Sometimes, yes, we will mount a mannequin. But other times we won’t even sleep with women we are really into. Here are some reasons why…

5) He’s scared.
Maybe he’s scared that he won’t perform. Maybe he’s kind of afraid of sex, period (it does happen to men, though no man is likely to admit it). Maybe he’s afraid of losing you, and the idea of getting to the next phase of the relationship excites that worry.

4) He doesn’t want you to think he’s a player
I have to admit: every time I ever slept with a woman without having known her and dated her for at least a Presidential term, the woman would afterward say something like, “You probably do that all the time with all kinds of women.” Not true! Or at least not as true as I’d have liked it to be! So in order to ward off that impression, even players will wait until you beg for it.

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3) He wants to be in control
If he wants it more than you, if you’re withholding it or he perceives it that way, then you have the power. Men are unnerved by that.

2) He Doesn’t Want to Commit yet
I know tons of guys who, after a woman has a why-did-you-lead-me-on talk with them, plead innocence thusly: It’s not like I slept with her. Sometimes men think that, if we haven't slept with a woman yet, we have free reign to behave how we like. Which is an entirely different problem.

1) He really really likes you and doesn’t want to screw this up
Man are we some relaxed cats when we’ve got nothing invested. We’re often at our best, impressing-ladies-wise, when we don’t actually care about the outcome. But when every single thing we do makes us wonder whether you’ll still like us? That’s when we freeze up a little. So look at it as a good sign, as long as you're into us, too.

Has a guy ever refused you sex? Why, you think? Do you ever refuse sex to guys you actually want to sleep with, and why?

How to Use your Hand for your Man’s Pleasure

Most of the times we always rely on our hands to do the job, so why not use it to give our man pleasure. I have collected some techniques on how we could actually hike a man’s mojo by simply touching him. Here are some the techniques you can use.

* Dig that Chest

Nothing more excites a man than a slow circling of your hand in his fine chest, mostly with a new manicured nails. What you can do is to circle you hand tracing his pecs. Spiral your nails towards the nipples then gently pinch it using your thumb and forefinger.

* Tug the Pubic Hair

Begin by pulling some hair in his pubic using both hands gently. Between your middle and index finger give him a few tugs like grooming his hair. This move will interest him the most since the nerves of the penis runs through the groin area making him more aroused as you tug.

* Ear Stimulator

Wet your middle finger using your saliva and slowly trace the outer part of his ear lobe. While you’re there give him a gentle pinch while giving it a sexy tug. The moist in his ear will surely give him the chills and the thrill. This is caused by sensitive aural organs. The reason behind pulling the ear lobe is to trigger the nerves in his ear that could actually send some signal to the testicles making him produce the testosterone, and you know what testosterone can do. Yup, it will rev up the erotic device.

* Spine Thriller

Make him lie on his stomach and pull his legs apart. Using both hands, make a fist and zigzag your knuckles at the arc of his spine. Roll your pinkie and knuckles at the vertebrae from the below to the nape, once you reach the nape, and then slowly trace your nails going down to the spine. The use of the knuckles helps you apply pressure hitting the nerves in his spine. Remember, all the nerves of the body are attached to the nerves of the spinal column. So by doing so, you’re giving him pleasure all over his body increasing his sex drive more and more. Also, by giving a soft and hard rub gives an access to his deep and shallow nerves giving a mix sensation.

* Thigh Expert

You can do this while he is sitting down or lying on his back, what you do is to reach and then slowly walk your middle and index finger from the knees to the crotch. Tease a little and stop before reaching the private part, and then with light trace of S going back to where you started. Doing so can send an alert straight to the climax area. This technique works because there is a nerve running straight from inner thighs to the groin. The S-technique adds some element of surprise.

These some of the few tricks that I can share with you, but I can recommend is to add a little spice to the romance by taking your man in a really romantic and exotic resort. It will surely help you and your man get in to the mood.

can a married man and married woman be more than friends

I am married for last 6 years. My husband of 6 years is a nice sweet person. we both are very attached to each other and have a kid of 4 years, whom he dotes on. Of late I have started seeing him talking very often of his one particular"close friend" whom he was an excolleague but now have not met for years. they seem to be very close, however i dont feel nice asking my doting husband about her. I too find her extremely attractive and hot and have told my sweetheart for which he has a very sheepish smile almost appearing to me as if he is victorious to have her as his friend. I am now confused should i assume he is in love with her, because I have caught him (he doesnt know this yet) seeing her snaps repeatedly very often, i also dont want to be stupid in asking him if there were to be nothing beyond friendship. I am also aware she is happily married. if yes then why does my husband see her snaps regularly.