Parenting Mistakes: I've Made Many & Don't Feel Badly About a Single One

I have made a ton of mistakes in parenting, and I'll tell you -- I don't feel guilty nor defensive about a single one. I'd never really been around babies when I got pregnant with my son, Rowan. The youngest child I'd spent any real time with was 11 months old, and quite precocious and self-reliant. I couldn't remember ever seeing anyone breastfeed and couldn't tell you the difference between a Diaper Genie and a Snugli. I also had no local support system, because I'd moved 2,000 miles away from all my friends and family to live with my Navy husband.
More from the Stir: Can Differing Parenting Styles End a Friendship?
In short, I had absolutely no clue what I was doing.
What I did know though was that this was going to take work, and like anything else in my life, I wanted to be as educated as possible before going into it. Just like making my mom pay for me to take practice tests before the real ones and pushed back getting my driver's license by a couple months so I could try to be perfect -- there was no way I was going into parenting without actually having an idea of what to expect and "knowing" (hah!) how I'd handle different situations.
My OB's office gave me a gift bag with a spankin' new copy of a very popular pregnancy book. I'd heard of it, and thought it must be factual and trustworthy. I loved the layout, the information and the sections on each stage of development. I called it my Bible. By the end of pregnancy, I'd picked up and read through the entire sequel for the first year as well, confident that I now knew what I was doing, what choices I was going to make, etc. I subscribed to a couple very popular magazines as well.
The problem with the book and magazines was that they tried way, way too hard to be politically correct in lieu of giving solid, factual information, and I later learned how much misinformation and product-bias (from donations, no doubt) there really was as well.
More from The Stir: Moms and Kids as Equals -- New Parenting Approach
But I digress ..
The carseat I had was one that ended up being recalled six months later for being essentially useless in an accident but had been highly recommended by a book (which in retrospect was probably an ad made to look like an article). I had a nursery full of stuff that books and magazines swore I needed and I ended up never using. Diaper Genie, crib, dresser with changing table on top -- the list goes on and on. My son was born perfectly healthy (despite the birth, which we won't discuss here), and when it was time to feed him, I was told to use the hospital's double pump to make sure I had enough colostrum to feed him before I could nurse. So, there I sat and pumped and got out about three tablespoons, which they applauded and said was an amazing amount, that they proceeded to feed to him on a spoon. Then I was allowed to nurse. Sigh. (That was a ridiculously stupid, incredibly worthless, and potentially damaging "rule" they had. Makes me wonder what they'd have done if I hadn't been producing lots of colostrum ....)
Fast-forward to a day or two later when we're home from the hospital, baby won't stop crying, we've got a billion bottles of pre-made formula (thanks, hospitals ... not -- Ban the Bags!) and I'm exhausted, convinced I can't nurse enough, telling hubby to bottle-feed Rowan even though he doesn't want to give him formula and eventually baby vomits like the exorcist and stops breathing. Long story short, a five-day stay at the specialty children's hospital gave us a diagnosis of extreme Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD).
More from The Stir: The 3 Biggest Mistakes I've Made as a Special-Needs Parent
I'd strap him into the Snugli that was supposed to make him happy but made us both miserable because it was stiff and he was really too small for it, put him in the swing that made him happy (but ran on batteries and was really only meant as a travel swing) and tried to fly by the seat of my pants. All that reading I'd done was really rather worthless for anything other than actually knowing how to keep this thing alive, what order his teeth might come in, and of course, knowing the signs of a million random infections and diseases that for the most part never reared their head. He slept in my bed because I was too tired most of the time to even lift him over into the playpen with a bassinet insert (another thing I thought you HAD to have).
It wasn't until my husband was deployed (and I'd stopped using formula because I was too lazy and tired) that we got his GERD under control -- thanks to the "Breastfeeding Your Reflux Baby" group I'd found on a forum for moms. Then I started learning more and more: that my carseat was really dangerous, co-sleeping was actually okay, my Snugli hurt because it was a bad carrier, I had plenty of breast milk, formula was making the GERD worse, and there were medications we could even use. And no thanks to the !%#$*%!^ pediatrician (who had no children), but we did get medication and suddenly Rowan was like a different child.
More from The Stir: 7 Months Pregnant and Bar Refused to Serve Her Booze
I think the most valuable resource out of everything I'd had was other moms -- the information they shared and pointed me to helped me the most. Occasionally someone would tell me that something I was doing or had done was a bad idea and they'd tell me why. God, how I soaked this all up! These women helped me save my breastfeeding relationship (which went on for 28 months), and I got my son into a safe carseat. I tried cloth diapers, learned how to safely co-sleep, and realized that I had a bad pediatrician who was way out of line (told me to have a 2-month-old CIO!), amongst other things.
I am grateful every day that I was open and willing to learn from them. Sometimes things were phrased meanly, but I read what they meant instead of how it came out (even if I did have to walk away to think about it). Sometimes they pointed out the poor choices I'd make and I'd feel bad but never did I lash out at them -- after all, it's not their fault I made a poor or misinformed choice -- and some of them had made the mistakes I was making or about to make. I was able to learn through their experience as well, and maybe save myself or my child some problems, thanks to those ladies.
Because I was willing to learn, willing to admit mistakes, open to asking for help, and really valued the lessons I shared, I changed so much into the amazing mom I'm proud to be. When my daughter was born, I was able to go into it so much more educated and confident that the newborn period wasn't even stressful, but wonderful and special. I never once worried if the carseat was installed or used correctly, whether I had enough milk, if I should be forcing her to sleep in a crib, or anything. I am at ease not because I am just going with the flow or with what works, but because I know that I am making the BEST decisions for her health AND mine.
More from The Stir: Have You Committed a Pregnancy Sin?
It's so much easier this time, and I'm comfortable knowing that the mistakes I've made in the past are in the past. I will not make them again because I learned to do better and I still, even now, never stop learning and seeking out knowledge. I also never feel guilty or lash out at people who correct me, but welcome correction and thank those who give it and openly share my mistakes. I know that at all times I put in 100 percent, and on bad days, can admit to myself where I went wrong. I do my hardest, I do what is proven safest and healthiest. I'm never upset with mistakes I've made because I know I was doing the best I could with what I knew at the time and am honest with myself.
I want people to share their mistakes and fully admit to them because it helps them be a better parent, rid of guilt, and prevent others from making the same mistakes. Also, if god forbid anything ever happens to your child, you won't have to consider that maybe if you'd done what you knew was better but didn't for whatever reason, it could have been prevented.
More from The Stir: Drinking While Pregnant Could Harm Your Son's Sperm!
There's no reason to feel guilty if you know you're doing the best you possibly can at all times, and are willing to change your ways if you learn that you're not at your best. People who point out areas you could improve aren't doing so to be mean, either, so don't lash out at them or accuse them of "making" you feel a certain way. Only you control your emotions. Like Eleanor Roosevelt said,

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Remember that ... every time you start to get upset at someone trying to help you. They don't make you feel any way -- you choose to feel that way, and maybe it's worth figuring out why instead of attacking people who try to help. If it weren't for those people, there'd be a lot more dead and sick babies and upset and scared new moms.
What mistakes have you made in the past and how did you learn to do better?

10 bra-shopping rules to follow

It’s practically a rite of passage for an adolescent girl to stand in a dressing room, red-faced, While Mom and the saleslady search for her first bra. However, even as we grow older—and more comfortable with our curves—finding the perfect undergarments can still feel a bit like an unsolved mystery. According to Susan Nethero, the "Bra Whisperer" and founder of {Intimacy} bra shops, and Karen Bromley, spokeswoman for the Intimate Apparel Council, the right bra doesn't have to be so elusive. Follow the 10 rules of bra shopping to end your hunt for the perfect fit once and for all.

10 Bra-Shopping Rules to Follow

10 Bra-Shopping Rules to Follow

Rule #1: Know your measurements.
According to both Bromley and Nethero, the first thing a woman should do before buying a bra is get fitted, which entails getting measured directly under the bust and across the fullest part of the bust. Nethero says 85 percent of women are actually wearing the wrong size. "The biggest mistake is that most women don't get fitted," Bromley adds. "You buy a pair of shoes, you want them to fit comfortably—your bra fit is just as important." And getting fitted once isn’t going to cut it—as your body weight changes, your bra size will too. Nethero recommends a “bra checkup” whenever a woman’s weight fluctuates by 10 percent, which often happens as a result of pregnancy, nursing, exercise, dietary changes, hormones, menopause, puberty and weight gain.

Rule #2: Your cups should be front and center.
Once you find out your real bra size (which can be shocking for some women) it’s important to find an undergarment that not only provides enough support, but also correctly positions your breasts. Nethero says, “When you are looking in the mirror, your bra should lift and center your bust midway between your shoulders and elbows, and your breasts should stay within your body’s frame. You don’t want to carry low and wide.” She says there should also be one inch of definition between your breasts.

Rule #3: The bra should fit firmly around your frame.
Women often associate looseness with comfort, but bras should always have a snug fit. A brassiere gets 90 percent of its stability from the band being firm and level around the body. If your bra is too loose, it will shift up the back and cause every component that's supposed to provide support to be unstable. Nethero's advice: "The bra should be tight enough that you can fit only two fingers under the band. The back of the bra should be level with or lower than the front. You want it to be stable as you move throughout the day."

Rule #4: Account for stretching.
Most bras are made of flexible materials, like Lycra and spandex. Over time, with normal wear, they will eventually stretch out. Nethero recommends buying a bra that fits best when it’s latched at the widest possible position, to account for the inevitable give in the fabric. "It should be on the last hook, so as the bra stretches, you can tighten it," she says.

Rule #5: Pay attention to the seam.
While it doesn't provide the primary support, a structured cup with a seam gives a nice lift, as well as the best shape. "The breast tissue will rest on the seam, so a great way to figure out the shape of a bra is to look at the seam," says Nethero. "A seam that runs across the bra will make the breast look fuller, while a seam that runs up and down will make the breast look more centered." She also notes that many women opt for seamless, often called T-shirt, bras because they are afraid the seam will show through their shirt. But if you are planning on wearing the bra with dark-colored clothing, the seam won’t show through the fabric, so it’s better to opt for more support.

Get expert advice on the right way to wash your undergarments.

Rule #6: Wear the right shirt when shopping.
Even though you’re shopping for something that goes under your garments, make sure you have the correct top on when you hit the store. Nethero says a loose or high-collared shirt won’t accurately show you how a bra will look—especially under more body-conscious clothing. She recommends wearing “a fitted shirt when trying on bras so you can see the different shape effects bras can provide.” Also, if you have a dress or shirt with a tricky neckline, clingy material or any other exasperating feature that makes it difficult to find the right bra to wear with it, bring the item with you so the experts at the store can help you find a solution.

Rule #7: Strapless bras are a little trickier to fit.
A strapless bra also needs to fit firmly around the body, but because you don't have the support of the straps, you may need to go up a cup size so it doesn't pinch the breasts and create a ridge across the top, Nethero says. "A good thing to look for is a strapless bra that has latex or a grip strip across the body to hold it in place better, since you don't have the additional support of the straps."

Rule #8: Just because you wear a bigger cup size, doesn’t mean you can’t have fashionable bras.
The fastest-growing segment of bras is DD and over, according to Bromley. In fact, Nethero says she sold 40,000 bras in a G cup last year alone. And unlike in the past, demi- and semi-bras are being made in sizes up to D cups. The style is “not as shallow as a smaller cup size, but it is proportionally smaller and gives a much more youthful appearance," Nethero says. "It gives a fuller-busted person the opportunity to wear something that's youthful and sexy but still gives full support."

Rule #9: Opt for greater quantity—and quality—of bras.
The more bras you have, and the better quality they are, the less often you’ll have to replace them. Though it will cost more money upfront, you will end up saving in the long run. According to Nethero, you shouldn't be wearing the same few bras week after week or the same bra for two days in a row. "We know from our research that women are wearing four bras or fewer, but they really should be wearing seven to 10," she says. With a higher number of bras, you can rotate them and wear the same three or four bras one week, then another three or four the next. "And while you might say a less expensive bra will cost less, it will wear out faster. So it's our belief that women should get better-quality bras and have a diversity of bras."

Rule #10: Always follow care tag instructions.
If you do buy higher-quality bras, proper maintenance will help make them last. Experts recommend you hand or machine wash your bra after two wears. "Use a soap that is gentle on Lycra-based material, like Forever New, and never put them in the dryer," recommends Nethero. When laundering undergarments with a washing machine, a netted laundry bag will protect the hooks from clasping onto other articles of clothing as well as prevent the bra from twisting and turning out of shape.